I need to get an online notebook. Fast.



Dares:
I dare you to have one character who, whenever they fancy someone says 'well s/he's definitely going in the cupboard'
-BP if they actually have a cupboard
-DBP if they have kidnapped lots of people and put them in it
-TBP if your MC has to evade being put in the cupboard...

Not sure if this is a line, or a sub plot, but offered up: "smuggle the chess set". Somehow, smuggling a chess set must be an integral part of a subplot, and somewhere, a character must come up with a non-incongruous way to talk about smuggling a chess set. Hope this provides something entertaining!

Think aloud, "What's the capital of Norway?"
With no hesitation, "N!"


One of your characters always says “Thank you for calling Dominoes, how may I help you” every time they pick up the phone (instead of Hello).


*playing scrabble*
"What is that word?"
"It's a porcupine with deformed spikes that look like spoons."
"A... sporkupine?"


"The waiting room was weird."
"What? How and why?"
"Well, I don't know. Everyone was dressed like maniacal fashion rejects, and they all just looked pretty pissed off. Like... they pulled out their cell phones like weapons and glared menacingly at nobody at all. Oh, and there were babies. They all had babies."



Use these lines:
"Oh... I can't kick myself in the butt anymore!"
"Argh! My holes don’t work!"
"You must have it at the right temperature so you can reach in and grab the thingy."
"Excuse me, are you sniffing me?"
"He’s vibrating me!"
"I’ve been trying to figure out how to get my mouth around that thing (the huge sucker)."
"We’re going to set it on the table so we can do it there later."
"When you put stuff between your legs, that’s what holds it there."
"It’s freakin’ cold outside! My cheeks and nose are cold! I’m gonna get some ice…"
"Just because I’m dancing with a dishtowel doesn’t mean I need help."
"Stop resisting and take your throw like a girl. "
"True American Way: Do it to someone else."
"You’re not yourself, you’re your clothes."
"Well then, you must be a Royal Bastard. "
"She keeps going horizontal on me."
"I don’t suck, I bite."
"I have handcuffs attached to my bed, what do you think?"
"This is hours of entertainment… well, until my arm gets tired, anyway."
"If I agitate both of them, they’ll start going at it."
"You know it’s been a good night when everyone has to switch clothes to go home."
"You’re right, my sword isn’t very big, but it’s big enough to get through you."
"I can’t put my head very many places it doesn’t like to go."
"Balls gravitate toward my head."
"If I had a brain, I’d be scary"
"Just because it’s a dress rehearsal doesn’t mean you have to come dressed."
"Show me where you want it to be exactly. That’s exactly what you’ll get."


"Man, my grandma gave me these delicious apples from the tree from her backyard."
"Ew, dude. Do you know what apples even are? What fruit is?"
"Uhhh, it's the tasty part of the plant. Duh."
"No man. Just no. You don't even get it. The apple isn't the tasty part of the plant, it's the uterus of the plant."
"What the balls are you going on about now? That's ridiculous."
"Is not, it's completely true. Think of it like this man. You know how a flower is basically like, a plant's vagina?"
"...What?"
"Yeah, flowers are a plant's sexual organs. They use them to have plant-sex."
"You've got issues."
"And see, when the plant gets plant-pregnant, the bulb at the bottom of the flower is where the plant-baby gestates. Kind of like how the uterus at the back of a vagina."
"Is this what you think about all day? Is this seriously what goes on in your head?"
"And see, the plant-baby is actually the seed. You know, the core. And the skin, that's the wall of the uterus. The flesh of the apple? The part you eat? That's the placenta, man. You're eating tree-placenta."
"Why do you have to tell me these things? I don't ask. I didn't want to know this. You're a horrible friend."
"Listen, I'm just trying to keep you informed. You need to know what you're eating here. And in this case? Placentas. Your grandmother gave you a big bowl of uteruses and you're going to eat the placentas."
"You eat apples all the time!"
"Yeah, but at least I'm not in denial about it. You've got to keep everything in the right perspective. Scrambled eggs? That's chicken menstruations, man. Chicken menstruations."
"...We can't be friends anymore."


"I don't understand any of this Shakespeare stuff. It's, like, another language almost. They should write it in nowadays English."
"Just remember it's thee before thou except after thine."